Deep sadness consumes me.
I keep forgetting to breathe. Literally.
To breathe is to feel, and to feel is to ache.
I feel like I’m tumbling down through darkness, layers of darkness.
The only thing Illuminating my fall looks like a movie reel showing Images, movies clips, more images, more movie clips.
I am in each of them.
Words…. I don’t hear them but I feel them.
Loss. Confusion. Fear. Sadness.
Grief. Uncontainable grief. Uncontrollable grief.
Tears erratically fall from my eyes in between gasps when I remember to breathe.
I’m watching the history of my past and I continue to fall deeper into what feels like a bottomless hole.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces. It feels like a concrete block is on my chest.
The more inner work I do to understand myself, the more I witness the actual impact all that i have lived, believed, felt, experienced and gone through has had on my world.
My heart is broken for her. The version of me in each of those images I see as i keep falling deeper. The version of me in each video clip as the scenes play out.
All she has been through, experienced, felt. All she has held within, left unspoken, never said. All that she learned. All she has lived.
Based on what I’ve uncovered about myself through my work, I understand now it could never have played out any other way, and so I feel my way through.
The videos and images Illuminating for me the following…
Be what others need you to be or you wont be accepted.
Be yourself and you will be guaranteed to be rejected.
Don’t say anything that might upset someone else, even if its tearing you up inside and you are upset.
To be heard, you need to shout. Literally.
To be loved you have to put others needs before your own.
Communication ALWAYS equals conflict. A conversation about how you feel, what you need, what you’re going through will always result in an argument, so there is no point in saying anything.
Stay. It will surely get better.
Never knowing where you stand emotionally speaking with people will be prevalent in your life. This alone will have detrimental effects on each and every relationship you enter because You will never feel safe. You will look outside yourself for this safety, but you will never attain it. Others will never understand this either because you wont understand it yourself.
You will spend your life looking for forever in temporary people, temporary experiences, temporary substances, never understanding the source of your disconnection happened within.
Play small, don’t stand out. Be seen, don’t be heard.
You can’t do anything alone.
Fuck accountability. Fuck responsibility. Fuck trying to change, it wont last. Leave the pieces for someone else to pick up.
And most recent, while trying to express how I felt about something that was important to me, I was told….Fuck You! Go kill yourself!
I understand my thoughts, beliefs, feelings, emotions and experienced compounded as a result of being reaffirmed by my external world and the people in it.
But I learned the above. I lived the above.
Does this mean I want to stay there? Fuck NO.
Does this mean I want to repeat any of the above cyclical patterns? Absolutely not.
I have to cut ties with the versions of myself that have allowed these patterns to play out.
I understand in order to heal, to become whole, to become childlike again, remembering I am love, and I am loved, minus all of the judgements, projections, attachments, distorted perceptions….that I MUST identify and move through all that I Know I am not, and remember at my core who and what I am.
I am love winging it. Source energy in skin. Energy in motion experiencing clarity from compassion.
I make mistakes but in order to stop reliving my pain I must understand the origins of it. To do that I must understand Myself. To understand myself I have to feel, and do the work. Today the work is simply to observe and to feel, to grieve and to just be.
P.s…No one is coming in to rescue you, to help you change your life, so you may as well become your own god damn super hero and rescue yourself.
You hold within you the keys to unlock your own healing. Use them.