I've got no words left to speak. I've disengaged from the story. I surrendered. I continue to consciously surrender, moment by moment now.
Usually, having the 'no words' thing came with feeling nothing, but this time, it comes accompanied with feeling EVERYTHING.
Hyper awareness of everything, of everyone.
Hyper sensitivity to sound,to light, to bullshit around me.
Hyper allergic to the chaos, magnetic to the calm, all I crave is silence, stillness.
Information is coming in at a colossal pace. I feel like someone has plugged me into an electrical databank and im downloading information about myself at an unprecedented rate....my past, my present, my future.
Spontaneous, sporadic life reviews long before death. Instant access to the akashic records and the unbounded wisdom contained within.
It feels like its going to blow internal circuits sometimes, and the presence of three weeks of cluster headaches validating the intensity of the energies present Impacting everyone now.
I can't catch a break, but this time I don't want to.
Even in dream state, the Information comes in.
In a meditative states, the information comes in.
In understanding myself so deeply, it feels like having automatic access to understand others deeply too, like an all areas access pass at a theme park, and wow, what a ride!
Understanding another feels like both a blessing and a curse.
A visual analogy is witnessing a house on fire, and observing its occupants frantically move from one room to another and to another in order to avoid the flames of the blazing building, trying to avoid the inevitable burning to the ground of everything and everyone, all the while I'm standing outside the open front door, waiting for the occupants to see the way out themselves, and take it.
I don't want to see people, hear from them, or speak to them; not because of any reason other than to see, hear, speak to and deal with myself is enough right now.
I'm palpably aware that dealing with myself is my only task now.
My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings. My energy, my experiences, my needs.
I can't dream of holding another's chaos, for to do so will contaminate mine further. This was always the case for the collective, however now it is beaming in neon lights...."Do so, and enjoy the consequences".
I've found myself in exceptionally intense, traumatic and stressful situations this week, yet while I've been "IN" them, my level of presence is eerily unnerving.
I can't be "in" something without being acutely aware of why I am experiencing it, the amplification of an old wound, understanding of the origin the wound, the work that has occurred to uncover and repair the wounds, and the guaranteed suffering I know I will encounter, should I choose to re-engage in old, habitual, co-dependant, cyclical patterns that I have already neutralised within me.
In committing to my growth, my bullshit is not being entertained by me for a split second. It's like I have an override key that keeps getting slammed if I offer up my peace for the taking by another.
The bullshit of others, the external environment, anything out of alignment with who I know I am now, anything that I choose to engage with that dishonours me, hurts me, abuses me, disrespects me, hits my body like 1,000,000 electric volts, shocking my system back into the present moment, back into my truth.
My truth is my sovereignty, my self awareness, my self love.
My truth is my voice, my choice and my clarity.
My truth is my needs being met by me, my safety provided by me, my experiences fulfilled and my heart full, at peace with myself and the place where I observe the world from.
I am not who I was an hour ago, 24 hours ago, a week ago, a month ago.
The woman I was a year ago is a complete stranger to me, and the woman before that, exists only in the pages of the memories of my mind in stories.
This phase/timeline to many feels harsh, abrupt, and unforgiving.
It's easily misconstrued by another unwilling to stay in their own lane and tend to their wounds needing evident attention as selfish, unloving and often as abandonment.
It is not.
It's personal accountability and responsibility, and the action steps that enables change.
It's a series of empowered choicepoints, accessing the wisdom of lifetimes.
It's choosing the self over everyone and everything, irrespective of what buttons are pushed, what restrictions are implemented, and what compliance tactics are threatened.
It's love over abuse, expression over supression, response over reaction.
It's such an individual journey that to compare it to another is detrimental to your expansion.
But the expansion is coming, with or without your consent to come along for the ride.
Surf or the tide takes you in.
Your growth is inevitable, the rates of suffering optional.
Your time as a caterpillar has expired. Vacate the cocoon before the walls crumble.
The time of the butterfly is here.
'This is the timeline of the resurection of mankind'.
Silently, powerfully, majestically fly.